“Prost” To New Beginnings

I live in Germany now. It’s not particularly glamorous. Something about our ungrateful human brains makes us always think that OTHERS are living glamourously. Others have it better than us. Social media feeds this monster of disillusionment, taking the mundane for one person and turning it into something that looks like a dream for everyone else looking in. I could spin it in a way that would make all my friends jealous of my new life. I’m married to an exotic native German, and eat fresh bakery bread (croissants, cinnamon pastry rolls, pretzels…) whenever I want, which I purchase by walking over a quaint brook to a bakery just five minutes from my doorstep. We eat Gauda because it’s the “cheap” cheese. I go on runs and walks through a magical forest directly behind our building, and I can bike to the city centre in under 15 minutes where I study German language across from a church built in the 1600’s. 

But there’s ALWAYS another side! My exotic German husband has to go away a lot of the time for internships and seminars, leaving me alone at home to either force myself to go out alone or hermit myself away where it feels safer at home. Fresh bakery bread is wonderful, but peanut butter, previously a staple of my diet, costs a fortune. And when I go on my magical forest runs and pass by other local Germans, most of the time in exchange for my smiles and “good mornings” or “hellos”, I get straight, cold, unfriendly glares. And my bike rides to the beautiful cobblestoned city centre, although sometimes lovely, are also sometimes cold and miserable on a rainy day. I’m often lonely. I miss the smiley faces of Canadians, and the social acceptance of wearing loungewear in public.

It’s a constant battle to choose to focus on the positives. It’s sad that the tendency is to pull out the negatives in life and allow them to grow so much bigger than the blessings. I think it’s important for all of us to talk about our struggles–not to overly dwell on them, but to remind each other that no-one is living on the greener grass side. It’s just a matter of perspective and the choice to look upwards instead of down. I had a wonderful weekend recently with a friend in a very similar situation to me: North American who married a German and moved here. I had often seen her life from afar through pictures, and always thought she must be handling the transition so much better than me, but when we spoke I realised that we both struggle in the same ways. She feels loneliness too, and the language is hard, and she misses the States and her family. I don’t take delight in other peoples’ struggles or suffering, but I do take comfort in knowing that even in the most (seemingly) perfect situations, everyone struggles.

I defintiely felt some pressure to appear delighted about my life to friends and family. I’ve been waiting so long to be married and live with Frank, to be done with Nursing school, to have that horrible NCLEX behind me, to be no longer a student and moving on in life. And I’ve been hesitant to talk about the struggles, because I feel ashamed to admit I’m still not as happy as I thought I’d be! It’s a hard awakening to the truth that I will NEVER be happy, if being happy is having achieved the next step. My exotic German man is also a wise one, and gave it to me straight (in true German fashion):

You will never be happy if all you do is invest all your joy in the next step. Then you’ll tell yourself you’ll be happy once you have the perfect job. And when you have it, you’ll tell yourself you’ll be happy once you have a baby. And what ends up happening is, you achieve and achieve and accumulate life experiences and gifts and accomplishments, but it will never be enough. 

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Peace is what I want, what I crave; not happiness. Not more of what I already have. I need a deep, satisfied peace in what I have NOW, and in what I’ve been given. A gratitude and fulfillment of who I am in God, not who I am through my career or family status. It’s a challenging thing to admit incompleteness and dissatisfaction in life. It’s humbling. But it’s also so powerful to share that truth.

And just to make it clear, I am pretty happy =) when I focus on the right things and allow gratitude to speak louder than complaining, I realise that I have all the ingredients for happiness. But it’s still a choice.